Running Around With Their Heads Cut Off

This weekend for Mother's Day, I played the part of good grandson and ventured down with my immediate family to Modesto, California to visit my father's parents. With the offer of free food, sunshine, and a pool, how could I say no? My parents know my weaknesses too well (starving college student), so I happily got in the car for the two hour trek. However, there was one condition. Playoff basketball is in full swing, and I can't in good conscience miss a game if I know I have the capacity to watch it. So down there, I made the mistake of watching the first half of game three between the Magic and Hawks.

My grandmother is a real sport, and decided to watch part of it with me. Now, other than knowing that Kobe is evil (I've taught her well), my grandmother knows absolutely nothing about basketball, so throughout she was asking an unusual, eclectic, and borderline uncomfortable array of questions. Highlights included:

"Why do they have so many tattoos?"

"Why are there so many black people?" and

"What part of Texas are the Magic from?"

I politely answered all her queries, because after all, it's hard to find someone actually interested in what I have to say about basketball. While holding my little press-conference, the game had begun and the Magic, as it now seems routine, were dominating from end to end. At the conclusion of the first quarter, with the Magic up 28-18, my grandmother turned to me and commented "Wow, that bird team is really, really bad."

I couldn't help but laugh. My grandmother, who knows nothing about basketball, recognized the stench that was spewing from the Atlanta Hawks. The odor traveled up through the stands, into the rafters, through the cameras, and out the TV speakers into the living room. That's how poorly and uninspired they were playing. They weren't just bad; they were atrocious. Atrocious enough that an 80 year-old woman who thought Joe Montana played basketball took notice.

In fact, throughout the rest of this post, I will refer to them not as the Atlanta Hawks, but as "That Bird Team". Because they do not deserve the name of an NBA franchise.

You, sir, suck.

That Bird Team owes everyone an apology. Everyone. I'm going to break it down.

First, That Bird Team owes my grandmother an apology. God bless her, but she's getting on in years now. She's not as young as she used to be, and one day she won't be here. She should enjoy the time she has left. And watching the pathetic excuse for basketball for an hour was a definite waste of her time. She can't get that hour back. Good job guys!

Second, the city of Atlanta. That city from the deep south has endured many terrible seasons of basketball. They are a passionate and knowledgeable fan-base. They know when to cheer, and they definitely know when to boo (hint: whenever That Bird Team takes the court). Their fans bought playoff tickets to watch them play. Those are hardworking, Salt of the Earth People and they paid good money to sit in those seats.

Third, Joe Johnson' Agent. It's hard to say just how much JJ's choke job/no show this series (3/15 from the field for only 8 points in game 3) has hurt his free agent value this off-season, but it's safe to say that his agent's commission could take a nose dive this off-season. Poor dude.

Joe Johnson, hard at work.

Fourth The good people of ESPN. They had to lug all their equipment and their staff to Atlanta to televise and cover that game. They have lives and families that they could've spent the weekend with. And poor Doris Burke and Dave O'brien. They're hardworking commentators, and forcing them to talk about something other than basketball for an entire 24-minute stretch is just unfair.

And lastly, That Bird Team owes the sport itself an apology. One-on-one basketball at this level won't work. Down at the Y, maybe. But at this level? No excuse. Make the extra pass, set firm screens, cut to the basket, move without the ball, box-out. These aren't complicated basketball concepts; these are fundamentals of the game. It's the sum of these things and much, much more that make basketball one of the greatest team sports ever. Shame on you, That Bird Team, for not doing any of that.

Of course, they went on to lose by 30 points and were booed off the court. Rightfully so. Then Joe Johnson made comments about how their fans aren't true fans. Even if he said it in a moment of frustration, he's not exempt from his choice of words. Not caring if your fans show up to games? They help feed you and put a really nice roof over your head, buddy. You can't say stuff like that when your team is playing like garbage. That's just cowardly.

They may not be worthy of the Hawks moniker, but perhaps they deserve another name: Chickens.

Go Magic. Stomp them to pieces.