Final Exam

The NBA Finals are upon us, and we have a unique and exciting pairing: two scrappy, down-on-their-luck, underdog franchises have finally scraped and clawed their ways to the finals. Two starved cities, bereft of any sports success, have finally witnessed their basketball franchises earn the right to dance for all the marbles.

Wait, what?

You mean it's the Lakers vs the Celtics AGAIN. Good God! They played in the finals two years ago!

Huh?!?!

What do you mean this will be the twelfth time they've played for the Larry O'brien trophy? That's completely ridiculous!

What?!?!

What do you mean they have a combined 32 NBA titles between them???

I think I just threw-up a little bit in my mouth.

In situations like these, where neither team really needs another championship (the one team that really does? Shit, pick any other franchise, really) how do you pick who to root for? It's a sports fan conundrum.

Do you take The Lakers, the franchise from Sunny Southern California, boasting a large fanbase chalk-full of uninformed Kobe-lovers (I hear the weather is very fair in Orange County) that win championships thanks to one-sided trades and reffing gaffes?

Or do you take The Celtics, a team full dirty players, cry babies, and the certifiably insane, hailing from a sports city so successful the Feds should probably open an anti-trust investigation on the city?

It's not an easy choice. Until it's all decided, though, people will only care about one question: who will win? But honestly, who gives a rip? It's just the rich and entitled getting richer and entitled-er (making words up is fun). Why don't we ask this, instead: who should you root for? That seems like a better question, which is why the committee (of one) over here at the Mid Range J has compiled a quick little quiz to determine who you should root for in this most predictable of pairings.

Back in the good 'ol days, when both franchises were moderately likable.

It's been made real simple for you. You have only two choices for each question. Take the quiz and see who you should root for come the Thursday evening tip-off.

Question 1: Hypothetical: Your daughter is introducing you to her new boyfriend. Which option would make you less worried about how your grand kids will turnout? A) This guy? or B) this guy?

Question 2: You disagree with someone who you are collaborating with on a group project. To resolve this conflict, do you A) Smack them in the head from behind, reminding them that you are in charge? Or do you B) Bad mouth them behind their backs to the rest of the group, turn everyone against them, and force them to join another group?

Question 3: You and a friend are exchanging Christmas gifts. He gets you a nice, new iPod because he is a good friend. You, however, don't want to spend a lot of money (because only you can have nice things), so you grab a dirty shirt out of your hamper, a luke-warm soda that's been sitting in your car, two coupons for a dollar off some breakfast sandwiches, and the rights to use your old toothbrush in the future. Does this sound like a fair deal to you? A) Wow, no. Definitely no. B) You know it!

Quesiton 4: . You stub your toe on a crack in the sidewalk while walking with some friends. What do you do? A) Drop to the ground, writhing in pain, hoping your friends feel sympathetic enough to carry you the rest of the way, or B) Keep on walking, even if it means significantly slowing down your group.

Question 5: Offense wins games, but defense wins Championships. A) Agree B) Disagree

Question 6: Who is DJ Mbenga? A) A hot new disc jockey from Germany, famous for laying down some dope tracks. B) DJ Who? Never heard hear of the guy. But have I mentioned how great Kobe is?

Question 7: Which 'deformity' would you prefer to have: A) Hair like the alien from Predator or B) Ears like Mighty Mouse?

Question 8: Which sounds like a better pre-workout meal?A) Grilled chicken and rice or B ) Hennessy and candy?

Final question:

Question 9: Is commiting an act that reveals a fundamental character flaw acceptable so long as you are really good at what you do? A) No way, Jose B) Yeaaaah boy!!!!

Aaaaand times up! That's it. Not so bad, right?

The scoring is simple: If you got more A's, you should be rooting for Bean Town, if you got more B's you should be pulling for the Purple and Gold. If picking either option was tough, well, sorry. Them's the breaks kid. Choosing between these two franchises really isn't easy, but that's the reality of the situation.

They say life isn't fair. And in all honesty, neither is the NBA.