"Hey, you guys need one more?" Part 3

ESPN Page 2's Patrick Hruby wrote a pair of great articles detailing some of the different types of ballers that lace it up and take it to the blacktop for pick-up games. You can find both of them here and here. While both articles were super excellent, I felt they were a tad incomplete. So, like any good writer, I blatantly ripped off the idea and wrote my own piece about it. I'll detail all the guys I've met in my time playing and identify their closest NBA equivalent. Hopefully, after reading this, the next time someone asks you, "hey, you guys need one more?" you'll know exactly what you are getting into if you let him play.

Here's Part 1 and Part 2.

13. The Girlfriend

Playing with the girlfriend represents a special case. You'll never run into her by herself. She'll never show up to the court in gear ready to ball. Instead, a certain set of circumstances must be in place for The Girlfriend to play. Anyone who's played even a small amount of pick-up just nodded their head knowingly. You know exactly what I'm talking about, the exact circumstances I'm referring to.

I'll paint the picture. You invite your guy friend to come play ball and he obliges. You figure that when he shows up, he'll just bring himself to play. But instead, he has a surprise for everyone. He arrives at the court with the lady-friend in tow. She ends up sitting on the sideline to watch her beau play, cheer at the wrong times, and text her friends. No big deal. Her sitting quietly on the sideline shouldn't impact the game.

But then something unexpected happens. One of the guys you are playing with has to take off. Maybe he has work, maybe he has class, or maybe he rolled his ankle. For whatever reason, he's gone. Now you have uneven numbers. What do you do? No one wants to sit out. No one else is around to play. You are forced to do the unthinkable. You are forced to do the unimaginable. You are forced to ask your buddy if his girlfriend wants to play.

This is the equivalent of placing the kiss of death on your afternoon of basketball. Not only is The Girlfriend totally unfamiliar with the game and totally unwilling to actually try to learn (she's too busy trying to stay pretty), the boyfriend will instantly stop caring as well. The happy couple will obviously guard each other and whenever The Girlfriend touches the ball, the boyfriend will play an "aggressive" brand of defense on her. Everyone else will stand around awkwardly and watch this unsettling act of PDA.

Closest NBA equivalent: Sasha Vujacic

Definitely the little spoon.

14. The Kid

The Kid comes in two flavors. The first is the type that lingers awkwardly around the court, mimicking moves of the older kids and meekly asking to play. I have no problem with this version of The Kid because we've all been there; playing with older kids is not an easy undertaking. It's a tough place we've all been. You need to hand it to The Kid for having the stones to ask to play.

The second type is that same kid, 6 months later. He's kept at it, working on his jumper, his handles, his no-look pass. Standing not an inch over 4'8" and not an ounce over 85 pounds, The Kid is tiny. When he puts up that 25 foot heave, every bit of his strength goes into it. Of course, he won't make a living off his jumper; rather, his greatest asset will be his quickness. And damn is that quickness filthy. The Kid has the nastiest crossover you've ever seen. The defense will be on skates the entire time. Wanna feel like Jaque Vaughn out there? Then be a man and volunteer to guard The Kid.

Closest NBA equivalent: Early Boykins

Giving short guys hope everywhere.

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15. Only Offense

For lack of a better term, Only Offense is a dick. He thinks he's the man. No, scratch that, he knows he's the man. In his mind, Only Offense has the complete offensive game. He possesses the perfect toolbox, the perfect treasure chest of moves to put any defender on a poster. Never meeting a look at the basket he didn't immediately fall in love with, Only Offense will put up a shot as soon as he touches the ball. Two defenders? More like too easy. Three defenders? More like three-point play. Teammates? He's never heard of the word.

In fact, Only Offense believes he has such a perfect offensive game that this will excuse him from exerting any effort on the defensive end. Expect walking up and down the court. Expect cherry-picking. Expect the calling of phantom fouls every time he misses. After all, Only Offense would never miss a bucket unless he got hacked, right? If you never want to see the ball again, pass it to this guy.

Closest NBA equivalent: Ben Gordon

"Hey Tayshaun, catch!"
"Really?!?"
"Nah."

16. The Passer

Wanna feel inadequate? Wanna feel like the weak link on a team? Play with The Passer. He has superior court vision, commendable quickness, and a high enough basketball IQ to know exactly when to dump the rock off on a penetrate and dish. Can you set a pick for The Passser, seal his defender, and roll to the hoop? Then expect a perfect one-handed bounce pass a second later.

And therein lies the problem. The Passer is almost too good at setting up his teammates. No one can keep up with this guy's ability to distribute. Without fail, he'll use his quickness to draw the defenders to him. Then when the moment is perfect, he'll hit you with a pass so beautiful Magic Johnson would weep. You'll get the ball a foot from the hoop with the closest defender seven feet away. All you have to do is make an uncontested lay-up. Easy, right? Nope. What do you do instead? Put up a big fat brick. It's goddamn embarrassing and there's nothing you can say or do to explain away your suckage. With confidence forever rocked and a part of you secretly despising The Passer for making you look a fool, fully recovering from this embarrassment will take months.

Closest NBA equivalent: Chris Paul

"Yo Chris, I won't airball my next lay-up. Promise."
"There's no place like unrestricted free agency... there's no place like unrestricted free agency..."