"Hey, you guys need one more?" part 2

ESPN Page 2's Patrick Hruby wrote a pair of great articles detailing some of the different types of ballers that lace it up and take it to the blacktop for pick-up games. You can find both of them here and here. While both articles were super excellent, I still felt they were a tad incomplete. So, like any good writer, I blatantly ripped off the idea and wrote my own piece about it. Over this week and the next I'll detail all the guys I've met in my time playing and identify their closest NBA equivalent. Hopefully, after reading this, the next time you hear someone ask, "hey, you guys need one more?" you'll know exactly what you are getting into if you let him play.

You can find Part 1 here.

7. Mr. Deceptively Athletic

You line up against this guy when the game starts and you think to yourself "oh hell yeah, I got this." This guys isn't impressive by any stretch--with a little extra padding going on on his underside, maybe a bit of a double chin, lots of sweating, and the like, you'll think you are going up against the Michelin Man. You figure that this game will be easy. Take a breather on the defensive end and watch with hilarity as the guy tries to dribble around you. Visions of going off like Dwayne Wade on the offensive end fill your head, too. Beating him off the dribble, slicing through the lane, drawing double teams, and generally causing massive havoc for your opponents. Oh yes, it'll be great.

Of course, as usual, nothing is as it seems. Turns out, somehow, someway, this guy is actually in good shape. Underneath that pudgy, squishy exterior is a body that won't quit. He'll stay with you at all times on the defensive end, crushing your dreams of taking him to the hoop faster than Ty Lawson in the open court. Offensively too, he'll do his thing. His large size will give way to disarming quickness, quickness that will see you looking at the back of his sweat-stained shirt more times than you will care to admit.

Closest NBA equivalent: Paul Pierce

"Yeah, me and the flab under my arms just beat you off the dribble. Go think about that for a bit."

8. The Housefly

Now this guy? The Housefly? Now he's annoying. He gets the idea of defense, sure, but he takes it too far. Way too far. He's in good shape, and was probably taught how to play defense once or twice back in the fifth grade. But, that's all that he has, all he knows. He was taught to stay on his man, to stay in front of him. So he does that. Every moment of the game, no matter what.

You won't be able to get the ball because this guy will essentially hug you for the duration of the contest. From baseline to baseline, he'll mirror your every move: going right when you go left, left when you go right, stopping when you stop. His offensive game hasn't been seen since the first George Bush and he won't provide any help defense should one of his teammates need it. He has but one goal in mind: to smother his man with annoying, overly-enthusiastic defense.

Lucky you.

Closest NBA equivalent: Shane Battier

Dude, Shane, cut it out. We get it. Seriously.

9. The Intentional Fouler

We all hate The Intentional Fouler. This guy is an ass. Pick-up basketball is a gentleman's game, governed by unspoken rules that all participants adhere to and revere. Offense calls the fouls, offense takes the ball out at the top of the three point line. There is no fouling out, no shooting free-throws, none of that.

The Fouler is the one jerk that realizes this and exploits it. If he gets beat off the dribble, he'll wrap up his man. The Fouler will hip-check a guy if it looks like an easy lay-up is eminent. When people get mad at him for essentially flagrantly fouling everything in sight, he'll exclaim with pride "no easy buckets!" The Fouler doesn't get it--slapping guys isn't playing tough defense; it's being a jerk. He should watch the Charlotte Bobcats, now they play tough defense. What he's doing is essentially reenacting Wrestlemania.

If you are playing this guy, have a first-aid kit ready, because you're going to need to clean-up all the scrapes and bruises you're going to get from crashing to the floor every time you smell the basket.

Closest NBA equivalent: Jason Thompson

Goddammit, JT.

10. The Free-Throw Shooter

Ah, The Free-Throw Shooter. You can't blame him for what he does, but it's still a damn shame he's around. All too often, teams are selected by shooting free throws. Whoever makes the first 5 free-throws are on a team. Whoever is left are on the other. If there's an odd number, the last guy to make his freebie doesn't play. Easy peezy.

The Free-Throw Shooter is the definition of the one-trick pony. He has no other discernable skill, but he can sink free-throw after free-throw. He'll play in every possible game he can play in, solely because he knows how to hit his freebies. He probably sucks and his team may lose over and over because of him, but he doesn't need to worry or ever face the repercussions of his suckage (suckage is definitely a word. Look it up). He'll get to play in place of more skilled, deserving players simply because he cultivated a unique and specialized ability to hit a fifteen foot shot with high fidelity.

Closest NBA equivalent: Mo Williams

"Don't worry y'all--I made it!"
(Deng in the background): "Sigh..."

11. The Shawn Bradly

By far the most frustrating guy to play with. Not because he annoys other people. Not because he sucks. Not because he constantly fouls. No, he's the most frustrating guy to play with because all you can think about when he's on the court is wasted potential.

This guy is approaching the 7-foot range. He has the height to stare Dirk Nowitzki in the eye and probably, with a little effort, could hit his head on the rim if he jumped. The one problem is that this guy has absolutely no skill at all. He'll airball five-footers. His put-backs will rocket off the backboard with enough velocity to take someone's head off. He doesn't understand the screen and roll, boxing out, or running the open court.

He won't try to, but he'll amass blocks and rebounds by the dozens, simply by stretching out his arms. He really is wasted potential. Watching him play, you can't help but think what you could do on the court if only you had his size.

Closest NBA equivalent: Dwight Howard

Howard, taking a shot just a bit outside his range.

12. The One-Hit-Wonder

Now, most of these guys we see over and over. The tall guy who can't play, the guy who fouls like it's on a clearance sale, the lefty, the guy who jokes around too much. Yeah, those cats are all too familiar. But The One-Hit-Wonder? He's just the opposite.

This guy is great to play with. He's a good teammate, a hustler, knows when to pass and all that. He'll help you up off the ground if he fouls you too hard, saying "my bad, man," giving you a pat on the back and making sure you're ok. He's funny and light-hearted when he needs to be, but serious and competitive when it counts. He's good, but not overly so. He meshes right in, and makes friends with everyone. This guy is as chill a bro as they come.

But here's the kicker: after today, you'll never see him again. Ever. It'll be like he never existed. Ask if him he plays here often and he'll say "yeah all the time!" Then he'll grab his gear, stand up and explain that there's a place he has to be. As soon as he's out of sight, that's it. More elusive than the Sasquatch and Loch Ness monster's lovechild, you will never see The One-Hit-Wonder ever again.

Such a shame.

Closest NBA equivalent: Grant Hill

Just like Grant Hill, The One-Hit-Wonder is all about what could've been.